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Welcome to Zharg.com, the Earth presence of Zharg. We will not invite you to Zharg so this will just have to do. Tough shit, humanoid. Please read on. You might learn something.

Our Mission on Earth

We are attracted by your wealth. (Please visit Zharg HRI Inc.) We have therefore decided we need all of your hard cash and a few of your better looking women so we can better amuse ourselves. In return we will provide you with interesting new financial instruments, a humorous credit card with a picture of your very own canary on it and some back issues of Vegporn Monthly.

Who the fuck are we?

We are the Zharg, a 581 billion strong race of rather sickly green vegetable eating sanitary engineers with rather clever pink sticky out bits, very little body hair and currently an inordinate interest in copulation although this is something we do not do as we find it rather costly and much less exciting than you humanoids appear to. By the way, thank you Mrs. Kirstie Bellows of 3 The Anchorage, Watford, England for the interesting displays, the sponge cake and for being so open minded . We are very grateful. Our insurance adjusters will contact you regarding the damage to your neighbours' verandas. In the meantime please note we are neither fast nor furious despite what we may have told you at the time. That large pink thing that hissed and went splot will not make you pregnant but you may like to consider a course of 21 x 0.5 Kg amoxicillin rather soon. 

Zharg is ruled by the Great Incontinent Senate which is lead by the Soul of Zharg, the leader of all the Zhargi. SoZ  receives guidance and financial advice from his hirsute but charming Great Aunt Perpetua.  

Zharg is 423 trillion times larger than Wales. Zharg applied to join the European Union in 1996. Owing to an administrative error, the application was confused with that of Bulgaria. In the round we Zhargi have applauded this error as we failed until recently to understand the purpose of the EU. Our studies suggested the EU was developed as a way of preventing further European war. More recently we have come to understand its aims are to find somewhere to put Belgium and to put silly marks on electrical appliances. For these compelling reasons we continue to support the aims of the EU.

More Irish people live on Zharg than in Ireland.

Zharg receives a monthly payment of EUR 4.8 trillion in respect of an application for intervention funds for a large stock of root vegetables currently located in Bulgaria. This combined with the income derived from two French toll roads gives Zharg a gross GDP per capita that is slightly higher than that of Norway but disappointingly still just a little less than that of Free Neasden. (Source - Department of Frilly Underwear, The Government of Free Neasden.)

The Soul of Zharg has ruled Zharg for 793 211 183 consecutive Wednesdays. The SoZ is one of the richest vegetables on Zharg and on 55CNC, a relatively nearby blob which has been designated as a factory outlet for designer sun glasses and condoms for the duration of the economic crisis. The economic crisis is expected to end after an unspeakably boring number of Wednesdays during which most things and most life forms will be nationalized and subsequently sold to Beijing in return for 62 pairs of black and orange  trainers which we think to be rather a good deal for you.

The Soul of Zharg has nipped out to Bee & Queue to buy some coat hooks, a ball of string, a tangerine and three low wattage light bulbs. Were he / she / his vegginess here right now he would probably say "Hi Humoid Thingies, leave the carrots alone and stop interfering with the lettuce. Eat meat, you sad bastards. Love from Zharg. PS: Stay away."

Contact Information

Zharg 8888


We don't do fax. Piss off.



      Subject: //ethink/root vegetables and Kirstie's older sister.     



22330 Mghz:  Channels 1 and 69
Postal address
14 Lamposts from 55CNC in the direction of Neasden


      visit:  Zharg does not welcome tourists of any life form other than Zhargi

      contents page: Zharg Table of Contents Page

Electronic mail: we don't do email on Zharg. Try Emeditation. Please be aware that your tiny brain may overload which will be a nuisance for you, but rather amusing for us.
General Information: Please try to contact Captain Polehead-Smallscrotum of the Great Incontinent Senate Guard. Do please let us know if you find him. He is connected to the disappearance of a large quantity of root vegetables and Kirstie Bellow's older sister.


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