Look, this is quite simple. Concentrate and with a little effort you should be able to grasp some of the basics.
We need your cash and you have rather a lot of it. You have no idea what to do with it. Neither have we but it is probable we will have rather more fun with it than you would have.
The Universe craved for new stuff and we have given the Universe loads of it. It's full of it. Everyone knows there is too much stuff and everyone is far too scared to admit it. Much of the most useless crap in the Universe is on Earth. It is our crap but it is your problem. Worse for you or perhaps luckily for you, depending on your level of naivety, only we know what to do about it. We need all your cash.
To rescue your economy we have invented the Zharg Orgasmatron Stimulator. Read more: ZhargOrgasmatronStimulator.
The Stimulator gets everything going. Once you realize you cannot possibly power your planet from wind and have stopped wasting time on completely fruitless activities you can turn your economy over to the continuing development and marketing of the Stimulator. This is, of course, also a waste of time for you but will inevitably make us richer and keep your rather tiny minds occupied without any significant risk to the countryside. Even you will, in time, come to regret planting acres of useless wind turbines* in the few open spaces you have not already destroyed or covered and totally obscured by planting conifers. Expending energy on the Stimulator will be almost risk free by comparison.
Just behind the technology comes The Essential Economic Basic Concept of Zharg as decreed by the Soul of Zharg last Wednesday:
"Give us your cash and we will give you absolutely nothing back. If in the future we actually were to send you a Zharg Orgasmatron Stimulator that would be a complete coincidence most likely due to an error in the packing department which has been outsourced to CNC55. Please visit our website to see our policy on returns. This will affect your statutory rights."
We know you are miserable.** We have the answer! Send us your cash and we will stimulate ourselves. Don't delay. There is no time to waste. Think of your public sector pensions. Unless you can rapidly find a new wonder activity none of you will have even the dream of wealth. Act today.
Later we will tell you how by spending just 5 minutes each year you can turn $0.10 into $0.11 over the next 40 years. You will amaze your friends and soon be able to afford new underwear. The first two months of the Zharg Stupid Bastards' Letter are free but the rest will cost you plenty. But think of all that cash for so little effort. (Or at least that's what we are thinking.)
Don't forget -Zharg closes early on Wednesdays.
* We plan to reverse the turbine cycle and thus make wind to cool your planet as well as to allow you to have more fun on otherwise windless days.
** By the way you are also very ugly. Very sorry Gorgon-features, but it is true. Look in a mirror. Please do something about your appearance.
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